I’ve been very neglectful.

I used to blog almost all the time but have fallen away from doing it.  Does anybody still read blogs anymore…. it seems it all is Instagram, YouTube, Snapchat, etc…

Well, I am going to TRY to start blogging again. I just checked and it appears that I lost my diaper diary that I used to keep going clear back to 1996.  Yes for you young littles, I’ve been back in diapers longer than some of you’ve been alive.

I just turned the big 4-0, and I don’t really feel older, but I am… I can’t hang with the young kids anymore in terms of partying, drinking, knowing what’s hip and cool.  But then again I never could.

As I grow older (but not UP!) I am finding myself feeling “alone”.  While I’m never really alone except on the drive to and from work; I live with my mother who is getting older too.  I know one day she won’t be around, and I will then be truly alone… with nobody to do things with, nobody to share my secret with that can give me an outsiders point of view.

I say that I’m not looking for anybody, but I am looking, but I will wait until I find that special person that I can spend my life with, and not just a season.

I tell my mom that I don’t want her to feel like she is tying me down or holding me back from doing what I want to do, but in a ways I think I’m tying myself down taking care of her, not wanting to abandon her like my dad did.

Then again I wonder if I am the one holding her back.  Let’s face it, I am a 40 year old manchild, who’s mom packs his lunch, does his laundry, and basically cleans up after him. All these tasks I could probably do on my own, but if left to do them would certainly mess them up.

I have dreams that I want to attain.  Recently I have really latched onto wanting a crib; a nursery of my own.  I want to wake up each day, teddybear in a hug, me in my onsie and diaper; to look out and see a barrier keeping me in my bed.  It does not need to be a huge crib like you see at the conventions or on the TV shows making fun of us.  Just simply a bed that I cannot just swing my feet over the edge of the bed and get out of.

Where do I go from here?  I don’t know, I really just take it day to day…. I plan special time ahead, like CAPCon where I am sitting here typing this as I watch the sun rise on the last official day of the event.  I’ve got TeddyCon coming up.  I also know that I can wear pretty much on the weekends and days off along with overnight.